I am a planner by nature. I like daily to-do lists, weekly planners, writing monthly workout plans, and scheduling in advance, whenever possible. However, it would seem that the more I plan, the more I depend on me and my superb organization skills. God knows me well. He knows that depending on self and being self-centered is a struggle of mine. Therefore, He has often been known to throw my plans into the whirlwind of doubt and spontaneity, for it is in this place of bewilderment and loss of control, that I am reminded I cannot manage this life on my own. I am in need of Someone much larger, wiser, and more powerful than myself. I am in need of a Savior.
My latest reminder of my need for God came in the form of a missed period.
Not just any missed period, but MY FIRST EVER missed period. I have had a completely normal and expected monthly cycle, since I was 14 years old. When I got married, I knew I did not want to use birth control, but my husband and I were not planning to have children. Therefore, we started using the Fertility Awareness Method or FAM as birth control. The method works pretty nicely, being that there are only 4-6 days a month where abstinence or a physical barrier is necessary, so long as you are correctly tracking your temperatures and cervical fluid/position. However, I got lazy and started relying on an iphone app to track my fertility, instead of my temperature and biological signs. (Technological laziness got the best of me ;))
And now, I am 17 weeks pregnant!
I know, even as I write this, God is smiling.
This baby and this adventure, in many ways, are a miracle. One the the reasons, is because Danny had cancer about 4 years ago. Even though his cancer has been in remission for almost 4 years now, he was warned when he started a severe chemo and radiation treatment plan, that he would most likely never be able to conceive.
Knowing that Danny might never be able to have kids was not a concern to me. In some ways, it was a relief. To be completely honest, kids were not something I ever saw myself having. I never had “baby dolls” growing up, I don’t like holding fake or real babies, and pregnant bellies make me nauseous. Probably the majority of my friends and family would have been willing to bet that I would never have kids.
When I tell people that I was not wanting to have kids, or that this baby was a surprise, I get a variety of horrified looks. It is as if by admitting that I was not deliberately trying to get pregnant, I am revealing that my child is a mistake or unwanted. However, both of these assumptions are FAR from truthful. I believe EVERY conception of life is meaningful and purposed by God, so I do not have a mistake in me. In addition, while the idea of motherhood takes some getting used to, I live with a faith that reminds me that “All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” Therefore, if God wants this baby, then I want this baby. I am not afraid to tell my child that they were “unexpected”, because in the same breath, I can tell them that God knows us better than we know ourselves, and they were a surprise gift given by my Father in heaven.
In fact, I find it uncharacteristically beautiful to know God superseded the methodically choreographed plan I had intended, with His own divine program. He knows the life, mind and heart of this child. While I was thinking I had complete autonomy over my life, I am actually relieved to know He has something far better in mind. He knows how this child will change the lives around them as they take part in this world, and how my and my husband’s spiritual walk and relationship with one another will benefit from this miracle baby.
So, all this is to say….
Get ready world.
We put a lot of energy into the food we produce, the lifestyles we promote, and the faith we intentionally uphold. Now we get to, by the grace of God, put all of our love, wisdom and combined vitality for life into a developing child. I may not be “ready”…but I am beyond excited to step into motherhood, and I plan to take you all along for the adventure!
Our Dandi baby is gearing up for his/her debut, January 4th, 2017.
[Special note: if you would like my husband to make a better effort of being part of the pregnancy photography or any visuals at all, you will need to collaborate with me in trying to get him in front of the camera. 🙂 Thanks in advance for your help. :)]
Let me catch you up…
8 weeks pregnant! (I was feeling great! No morning sickness, but SUPER exhausted)
11 weeks pregnant (Still feeling great…got our first ultrasound and confirmed the due date, also chose our midwife after interviewing a few others and researching birthing options. Food aversions: Sourkrout and oatmeal. Food cravings: Tomatoes, meat-even though I am a vegetarian, and chocolate cashew milk/smoothies.)
13 weeks pregnant (Continuing to feel wonderful, but SUPER tired!! Taking naps whenever possible. Still cannot stop eating tomatoes and chocolate. Met with our midwife and heard baby’s heartbeat :))
15 weeks pregnant (Kinda moody and needing lots of personal space. You are my best friend if you have tomatoes or a yummy green smoothie, with a straw. Love sleeping.)
The whole family! (Oh look, I have a husband! I sometimes get him to take pictures with me, but it is a rare sighting…soak it up 😉 And the super adorable kiddos are my nieces and nephews pointing out that baby and I ran our first 5k together :))